when your heart breaks, every friggin love song seems to make the best sense.

last night i went out with jmee and mingu after Artistang Artlets' election for new officers. i had to talk about how i feel with someone, and these two always were the best someones to talk with.

after dinner at UST we went to starbucks tomas morato. i told them about everything. and i will be writing it here.

yup, what that happening thing already happened and i can now write about it.

you know that movie MY SASSY GIRL? it is about a girl who was gravely broken by a past relationship and a guy who tried to fix her up. well, that was what i was doing-fixing someone up.

it was friendly at first. i just saw him there looking like hell so i talked to him and we became friends. and i fixed him. i put every sense i had into his broken, stupid heart. eventually he was getting over it. he started smiling again. his text messages doesn't just consist of 'di ko na kaya' and 'i miss him so much'. great, my work's paying off.

but the thing is, as i help him out i started falling. shit (forgive me fore the profanity, but i might be using more of it n this post).

it got harder for me to act normal around him. we were 'bestfriends', and i hated the fact that i am liking him in a totally different way. soon i was feeling something so strong that i didn't know what to do about it. i started throwing my phone (syempre sa malambot na bagay lang) whenever he texts me up. i talked about it with officemates, telling them that i would eventually get over the feeling. i was telling people this, not to make them believe, but probably to make make ME believe.

in UST while having dinner, i told jmee and mingu that i know i would have to leave him when he heals. during the ride to tomas morato, it was confirmed. my job was done. a message from him tells that he was happy. i got the idea, i didn' have to ask. i said goodluck. he replied with 'papakilala ko siya sayo pag ok na.' boom. broken. i didn't speak for the rest of the ride.

i wanted to cry, but somehow i couldn't. we were in starbucks, drinking our way into the night. mingu told me i knew what i was getting myself into but i still went through with it. jmee asked me what i plan on doing. told them that i will have to leave him, because i cannot continue smiling as he tells me how happy he is with someone. jmee said i was running away. i told her i cannot stay. i just can't be friends with him anymore, maybe not forever, but not now.

we packed up and left starbucks. i didn't want to go home so i followed some other friends to a bar. i wanted booze. funny how i didn't get drunk. i danced like i never did, thinking that this night i will break free. i'll return to the stoic me.

and now, i just sent him my last message. i told jmee that i will leave him with a question. it's 'what if i suddenly vanished. stopped texting and showing up. what would you do?'

to end this post, i'll live a poem i made at work. proof that i was having something really heavy.

FERK

as i look in the mirror i was surprised
because i can hardly recognize myself-
is that me smiling?

a smile.
i never saw that smile
or maybe i did
it's just been so long since i last saw it

but why am i smiling?
why am i smiling about HIM?

it doesn't mean anything when he said
he misses me
even if he says it everyday
and everynight

so what if he says he wants you where he
is
wherever he goes and as often
as possible?

it doesn't even say anything
when he brings you to your office
and calls you up once in a while
just to check

and when he asked you if it was okay
to go out with an old friend
and asked you if you were angry
you said you weren't, right?

then i said,
i'd rather smile now because i know someday i might
have to leave him

once his heart heals,
my job is done
and it would be my turn to heal
because as i help him heal his wounds
i make some of my own
and he will not understand why i have them
or at least
he shouldn't know

afraid to let go of the feeling
even if i know it's best
what an irony, how i help him with his heart
and how helpless i am with my own

if i seek your help
will you feel what i feel now?
just thinking. no, hoping
that you might

stupid, that's what i am.
and stupid i'll remain till that day when
you wouldn't need me anymore.

and when that day comes
i'll look back in the mirror and see
how that smile made me change
and how that change made me smile.