Wednesday, September 28, 2005 - 12:05 AM
two days have passed since i have last heard his voice..
i do not know... it feels more than two days...
today, i wore his shirt during my first acting exposure outside of the university... at least his shirt will be with me...at least i could feel some of his essence...
at least his shirt would be with me...
now, istill am wearing his shirt...wishing he is with me...o would give almost everything for us to be able to talk.. for us to be able to see each other.. even if it means it would be our last...
i am now in a state of nothingness... floating at a sea of vague ideas... of lucid memories... i hear sounds that resonate the past... the past that i so long to be in again.. the past where he belonged to me...
i wear his shirt and it seems that all the memories came rushing by... pictures of the yeterday we had.. will we ever have another 'yesterday'? or will we have a future to look forward to?
i will find the answers. i will not stand here, waiting for fate to do his work. fate has done wrong on me, and it's time for payback.
Monday, September 26, 2005 - 11:41 PM
i cannot sleep...
how could this be... why must i cry whenever i find 'happiness'. am i not fit to be happy? why is life so unfair... i yearn to hold his hands and never let them go. but fate wouldn't let me.
i cry yet again... breaking my oath that i would never shed another tear... i couldn't help it..
my lips search for his kiss... my heart shouts in despair... it shouts in pain... i am afraid my heart couldn't keep on getting bruised... scars have already filled its surface... it bleeds...
when will i be truly happy?
Monday, September 19, 2005 - 4:30 PM
the Artistang Artlets play is due this coming Saturday and Sunday. Yay! after tht then we will be able to get some rest!
anyways, a lot of things have happened to me.
of being true and acceptance
i love my friends.. they have accpeted the real me. i was really afraid that they would reject me when i tell them about the real me. guys! you don't know how happy you've made me.. i feel so blessed having you guys for friends! i am looking forward to another gwet together.. promise di na kmi aalis..
my family hs this legacy of being held-up in college.. well, i have lived up to that legacy..
knina ko lng na-expirience yun.. hehe.. i was walking when suddenly this guy sntched my bag. i ran after him pero nadapa ako eh.. tsk tsk.. anyways, i'm glad na i had my cellphone and 50 bucks in my pocket.. nak-uwi pa ako pero ndi na ko pumasok.. ugghh.. asar..
ugh.. till here nalang muna peepz.. i have to go do something pa eh.. till next time.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005 - 3:15 PM
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my world was shattered as i put the phone down. i have lost him. it was over.
i didn't know what to do. i wanted to cry, but it seems that i have forgotten how to cry. i have promised myself that i will not cry again.. never again. but now i cry without tears... which is much more painful.
i went back to our classroom. the professor was still babbling with his so-called lectures. before i went out of the room, i was lying on my desk, feeling sleepy and wanting to get the hell out. i was relieved that i had a call from him. but now that i have retruned, i wish i didn't have that call.. now i am back at my desk, lying, wanting to cry but couldn't...
'gab, are you okay?'
somebody have noticed. i didn't give my answer, i was not in the mood to put my mask on and feign beatitude.
moments passed, i was still in my silent chair. the class was starting to leave...
'oi, okay ka lang ba?'
i looked up, it was my friend. i was trying to keep a straight face... time to put my mask on and pretend that everything's fine... but as i put my mask on, it broke into many pieces.. like mirror shattered purposefully. i looked at the pieces of glass lying aroung me... tears came from my eyes, no longer dry. i cried, i cried hard.
people started to come up around me... asking if i were okay... telling me that everything would be just fine. but everything is not fine.. everything is a mess. i'm a mess.
'salamat sa lahat... sige, hanggang dito nalang..'
last words... his last words. it was my fault. i deserve this, i deserve to be lonely.
i picked up the broken pieces of glass, and as i put it in my hands blood comes trickling down..
tomorrow, i would be a different me...
Sunday, September 04, 2005 - 6:00 PM
a poem by gab caraon
My hands have grown tired
of writing sonnets of my journey.
I am afraid that they won't
regain life again, until they
felt soapbubbles and rain..
Soapbubbles, how majestic they look!
how graceful they seem to be
while they float amidst the
dust of the wind...
You see every color in them:
red. blue. yellow.
making them more beautiful to the eyes...
I look up to them, watching
them carefully.. I have grown
in love with them...
I watched more closely and
I saw that the soapbubbles were
vanishing.. slowly.. gently..
I wanted them to stay, but
they wouldn't.. I was caught
in surreal melancholy..
One by one they burst into soapy water...
one by one they leave me...
I cried. Soapbubbles caught my
eyes, burning them in pain.
I couldn't help but to shed tears
to ease the pain...
Soapbubbles and rain...
These dead hands of mine
regained their life as I
wipe my tears away...
These dead hands came to life...
but my heart died away...
Soapbubbles and rain...
- 3:45 AM
one wrong day
i was so very excited to watch the UAAP at the Ateneo. UST vs. Ateneo.. i wanted to give my support to our school, they needed it because the foe has the homecourt advantage.
ahh.. but fate just didn't allow me to get my satisfaction.. nagkalabo-labo ang usapan namin nila faye kaya yun.. nauwi sa uwian ung lakad namin. ughh..
anyways, i went to the mall nalang. i decided to not let the day get into waste: manonood ako ng movie. i bought my tickets na. Sky High. then here comes fate again.. i went in the wrong movie house. ughh.. so i ended up watching The Longtest Yard. it was good, but i wanted Sky High.
i have been in the dumps lately... and i have been crying. that's saying that i'm sad.. i don't usually cry. basta... i am so down today. i thank those people who have shared their concern to me. mahal ko kayo!!
at ikaw.. mahal din kita..