Saturday, December 25, 2004 - 3:09 AM
it's just me, coke, and FPJ
it's 12:03am and i'm the only one awake in our house... so much for my so called noche buena... i suppose my cousins were too tired because they got so rowdy today, and their parents too tired because they have to keep watch at my cousins...
so i decided to just eat my noche buena alone...anyways, the food is good(mechado, spaghetti, and a lot of salad...mmm-hmm!!) i turned on the tv and the only thing interesting on, aside from mtv, was this thing about FPJ... so i guess i just spent the first hour of christmas with 'the king'..hehe.
christmas just ain't the same like before, i want to feel all nice and warm again.. maybe all i need is somebody to spend christmas with, and i hope i'd find that person anytime soon now...
i have a horrible toothache, and i need to do something 'bout it..i think it's my wisdom tooth trying to push my tooth out...damn! it drives me nuts...
Friday, December 24, 2004
- 9:11 PM
i had a seriously bad case of migraine last night...had to drink my medicine and all...
anyways, my cousins are spending christmas at our house. that means we would actually have a noche buena... whether i like it or not. (^ ^) i haven't had celebrated noche buena for at least two years now...
my cousins are drivin' me nuts!! all they do is make a lot of noise AND a lot of mess. so it's up to me to calm the savage beasts by making them...solve math problems!! strange huh? well it worked! after the math problems, i gave them more things to do, quieter things like drawing and reading... so with them calmed down i could go back to playing my guitar...
durin' the day my father arrived to give us our gifts... i'm too old for gifts so he just gave me money... he brought along with him our little sister, my half sister who's turning 5 next year...
i wish they could've stayed for christmas...para we could have christmas together as a family... pero i know that they won't stay, they have 'relatives' at the other house...
can't feel christmas at all...not like before, nung bata pa kami... cguro kasi dati we celebrated it together...
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
- 7:48 PM
All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow
I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me
People think I`m always happy. I couldn`t blame them, with me always talkin` and crackin` some jokes. They always see me smiling, sometimes even laughing. People know me as a person who`d approach anyone and just be friends and start a conversation... these people don`t know me at all...
They don`t know what happens when I go home, what I have to experience every time I walk down Cortez St... they don`t know that I live in a broken life...
Broken. That probably best describes the life I`ve been living since the storm...that storm that annihilated everything...
Everything`s changed since then, that`s why I`m different... different from the rest...
I`ve been receiving scars from them, the `others`. I pretend everything`s fine... that I`m ok with the fact that they`ve stolen my father, our father... I continue pretending, even though my heart silently screams in anguish... I yearn to cry, but I held back...
There’s nobody to lean on...
Breeze. So gentle...I wish the breeze could take away all the pain, but it can`t...
So I drown myself in laughter... at least I could make it look like I`m fine...
What an irony...
- 6:48 PM
Clouds, clouds that covered us in eternal darkness
Darkness that engulfed us
And brought us to shame and solidarity,
To pity and disrepute,
To the bottom of the coldest corner of the world
And in the darkness, we kept together.
In the midst of the dark
Where we felt that we would never see a ray of light
Keeping close together seem to comfort us
We became as one and we again saw little rays of light
And more as the time passes by
Thinking that the clouds would soon evanesce
But now we realize, the darkness is eternal.
For the weather beats us with hailstorms and fire
Lashing us with lightning, bombarding us with thunder
Not knowing that it continually scars us
And would leave us with signs of melancholy
Yes, the clouds are still here
Still casting shadows
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
- 6:28 PM
did somethin' different this day, i was feeling 'musical'... i decided that i would play my guitar again.. these hands of mine are getting rusty..
so i took my song book out and started belting out the songs you'd probably hear on the radio nowadays... and guess what?? my brother
actually, i have an idea why my bro's like this...
Kasi we were to decorate our classrooms for Christmas (this was a contest, mind you!). We decided to make our classroom appear like a nursery room. Then we had this idea to write our Christmas wish the `elementary way.` You know, with pencils and on grade 3 pads. And to make it look more childish, we were to use our `unskilled` hand..
So with all said and done, our classroom started to really look like a playpen.
Well, my brother and his friends went to look at our room (to spy on us, I reckon) and they saw my wish attached on the wall. My best bud was there when this happened and she told me that my bro was quite `overwhelmed` with what he saw and that he was actually blushing...(_ _)/
I didn`t know that he`d be affected that way. (-.-)/
Written on my paper was:
This Christmas I wish to have lots of money so I could give the wishes of my brother and my sister and my Lola and my papa to them. I promise I`ll be good...
Monday, December 20, 2004
- 10:36 PM
of beginnings and coming 'OUT'
i was watchin' this show on mtv, think it was called u-break. well anyways, they were doin' shows on college campuses
i feel that i would soon be coming out of my shell, leaving the 'comfort zone'. and i thought, 'could i handle things out there? am i ready for what's in store?' goin out there would mean having some changes... some friends would have to leave, changes in study habits, basically more or less everything..
my teacher says that the highschool life is the best part of our student lives... stories of their experiences make me think likewise... but soon i would find out for myself..
"Isn't it beautiful, to walk together in each others hands?"
yup, i've been holdin on to the same hands for quite a long time now, and i'm happy that i did cause it's been fun.. but soon i'd have to let go...
soon i'd have to say goodbye..
Sunday, December 19, 2004
- 10:44 PM
i woke up dis mornin feelin a lil' tipsy... but nevertheless i got up my bed and did the usual ritual..clean the room,take a wash and brush my teeth...
then i turned on the t.v. and i just can't help noticin' that there's a lot of people dyin' this december. 1st there's Mr. FPJ, then there's this daughter of a senator or sumthin', AND there's the grandson of Mr. Dolphy... ain't it sad? all this happening this season, when everybody should be happy and merry...??
wla lng..just feel na dpat we must live our lives to the fullest before everything begins to end..
Saturday, December 18, 2004
- 1:45 PM
fear for learning... sounds ridiculuos right? i don't even know if there's such a thing... but there are instances that i suffer from this impalpable disease...like now...
i've crept into someone's den wanting to know more... but i came out with too much... i can't handle it..i feel my insides churning...
i've wondered into her dreams... and i saw all.. even her nightmares..
it doesn't mean that i didn't like what i saw...i just didn't think she'd have them.. i don't know what to do..maybe im just takin things too deep.. i don't know..
what's wrong? nothing's wrong...i'm just afraid that if i found out even more, i would change...
i don't want to change...
i don't want to feel any change...towards her... i don't want to see anything else... i'm happy with what i see now...
i'm not ready... i'm just not...
- 1:12 PM
last christmas party together...
sad to say but the very last christmas, last kris kringle, last batian ng "merry christmas" has already happened to us last night.
i've bought for my monita a bag, and i hope she likes it. and i recieved a book... "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". 'Tis about relationships' effect to your relationship to God... i can't read that book
i know, i might be sinning 'coz i doubt.. but then again.. you see? i'm really trapped. trapped between confused ideas. and being trapped is not a good feeling...
"how would i know?"
"how could i tell?"
i just want to find out...before everything else's too late...
Thursday, December 16, 2004
- 10:23 PM
hey. starting this blog stuff is really a new thing, even for me. thought kc na i'd have to keep these memories and write them down. and this would let me express what i feel, what i really feel inside. so sit back and relax as you read into my life..
you think you know, but you don't...